something spoiled
I keep bringing myself back to that time by the sea. I remember asking you once if you were ever suicidal and I'm sorry your answer has changed since then. Is that why you had stopped me that day? You've finally surrendered yourself to a singular crumb of understanding, a silent call that promises, no, pleads with me to not feel so alone? I wish I hadn't listened, I wish i could go back. I wonder if I'd even change anything or just let you wash over me once more. Would I stare deeper? Reach further? I wish, no, beg for your embrace, even as I feel the weight of you crash against the shore. I wish to be beneath you, my every inhale fueled only by you. You pulled me in as you once did so long ago, but I was only a child then and I hope to have grown. I hope to feel you in its entirety now, not just some rotten taste that coats my mouth in scales. I still pick you from my gums, find your iridescent lamina nuzzled between my teeth. They've grown rotten now, leaving the flesh scarred and ripe. I should have let you take me then, breathed you greedily and without remorse but there's just always something isn't there? Did you too beg for this only to lose me once more? I'm sorry. Is this just another test? Another waiting game until we're finally reunited again? Will that be it then? Will you be through with me? I've clung to this, to you, for as long as I know, dreaming of a world long from remembering me. I can picture it now, my skin a blur of rippling, sapphire tides, my body arched and stiff, bent to your acceptance. Were you there when she held me too? Her knuckles turned to ivory around my throat. Was the shimmer of her eyes your own? I wish you could have told me, I wish I could have know that was the escape you were begging me to take. I would have never fought back if I had only known, you must believe me. Even now, I still feel you lap at my ankles, froth between my thighs, take pieces from my hips, my heart, my breasts. Even now I still feel you roll throughout my lungs, tie wet knots between my ribcage. I'm sorry for the mess, I didn't think it would be today. I didn't want it to be today, or I did but don't anymore. I want to take this back, I need to take this back, I'm sorry, im so fucking sorry, please let me take this back
I can feel your manicured nails wrap circles around my mouth, shifting in dizzying circles to find the perfect position. I spy the corner of your lip twitch, excited eyes gleaming sharp, I watch you hack your way through me swathed in red clouds. Your fingers turn upwards, lying flat against my roof, your left hand finding leverage against my teeth. Did you stifle a giggle? An excitable euphoria flashing across your features? Do you enjoy watching my eyes lull back? Do you find enjoyment in how effortlessly you've made me yours? Is that why you keep pressing further, further, applying more and more pressure, waiting for the pop, the crack, my raw hide revealed? My eyes click back and I can't help but question when you got so close, your breath fogging my glasses, invading me. Every exhale fuels my next breath, your poison rushing through me to constrict my every attempt to plead. This is all you'll leave me with. A crying, sullen mess, imprinted upon, across my gums, my teeth, my tongue.
Is this sounding familiar? Did you read this once before? Do you feel the same way now or has something changed, split, contradicted itself? The names, places, seasons, they've all changed but the heart of it hasn't, has it? Do you still feel the eyes on you, the crushing weight of a reversed omniscience forcing you to bend, buckle and break. You couldn't make anyone believe you, could you, you just couldn't get it to stick. It doesn't even matter anymore does it and I couldn't give less of a fuck if I found you in the trees, the char, the swell or my reflection. I can trace the ripples across my scared complexion in waving circles coating me from head to toe, inside and out. You feel bad? Guilty? I'm sure you do but that's all it'll ever be right? One bad night, one bad summer, something to let free and forget. Do you tell everyone of your survival? Your hard won escape?
I know I still need you but I wonder do you still need me? Am I still something to claw to, or has my flesh long since been picked clean from your nails? What can I hope to reclaim here, what else do you wish to find inscribed across me? How much more of this do I have to give up, how much deeper do I have to reach? I keep finding you, you in the plural, you in the eyes that stalk my every move. I keep finding you with wet clutches of viscera, bile stretched thin in dangling strands between your fingers. How much of my stomach did it cost me this time, how much of me have you embalmed for the hell of it. For the fun, the joy, just to fucking try. Enjoy it. Please don't let me stop you, please as much as you could ever want, what else could I ever hope to be than this? Do you need me to whimper? To implore the tinniest of humanity? What's next? How much farther do you want to push me? Should I sit by your leg, beg you for the same rancor that now drips from your hands? From the bitter-sweet spite that leaks from your lips, your nose, your ears? Yeah that'd make you laugh wouldn't it? A pitiful little bitch scrabbling for the toxic creep that pools at your feet. You want me to disgust you. So keep reaching my dear, keep showing me just how far you'll go and I'll love you all the same, I'll ask nicely this time, whatever you want I'm yours.